I finished sending letters, or at least the ones I’m able to send. Some people have me rightfully blocked on every medium and I have no way to communicate with them. Some people I have likely forgotten about or didn’t realize I had hurt. I’m glad the first step is more or less taken. I can start on my second. I find myself repeating the same words over and over again “I’m doing this for me” and I have to keep saying it because if I was doing it for anyone else then I would have quit already. Every single day it hurts so much, I’m so alone. I know I have friends left and I’m so thankful for them but I still feel so very alone. I think about the relationships and people that I want back in my life the most and I realize they’re gone, they’re broken. There’s just a huge rift, a fissure, a massive divide that I created, the ground broken beneath our feet. Even if they come back to me the most we could do is build a bridge between us, the damage is done, the rift is there, it will never be whole again and the more I realize that the more I despair.
I’m treading water as fast as I can, keeping my head just barely above the surface and I know I can keep this up but I don’t know for how long. My experience in SL has been a bullet train, I raced forward as fast as I could go and made periodic stops to let passengers on and off before I continued full speed ahead. Now I’m trudging, shambling, kicking up dirt with every step I take and sometimes people walk beside me, sometimes they go at their own pace. The worst part is though that ‘me’ is always there. I wish I could say the old me but I haven’t really changed, just started the process. So ‘me’ is there, with me in every step, looming over me, whispering in my ear to get back on the train, that things were fine the way they were, that I can find new people because I always do. I feel pressure from every side, eyes locked on me waiting for me to fail, to meet their expectations of me. Sinners casting stones from glass houses because I know and they know that they’re not innocent. The innocent ones want me to succeed, they aren’t wishing for me to fail, they might want nothing to do with me but they still want to see me grow.
That’s where I’m at mentally, constantly wanting to shut down and give up, wanting to revert, wanting to change and pushing forward through all the shitty feelings. The first step for me was apologizing and I did that. I can’t change the million things wrong with me all at once, I can’t change the core of who I am just cuz I want to, so I’m starting with some simple goals. I must not tell lies. That seems simple but it’s fucking huge, every fiber of my being wants to lie about literally anything. I want to sugarcoat and obfuscate. Telling the truth feels so unnatural to me and the truth is ugly. Or at least with me the truth is always ugly. Lies are pretty though, I tell the prettiest lies to cover up really ulgly truths. Well I’ve decided ugly it is and I’ve been doing it. I’ve slipped up a couple times already and corrected it, overall i’ve spoken my mind and spoken honestly. I’ve told people things I know they didn’t want to hear and would hurt me because they were true. The truth is I don’t know wtf I’m doing or how to make things right or how to change.
The second goal I set for myself is to be a decent normal human being. I’m going to stop trying to fuck everything with a pulse. I’m gonna chill, bury the frustrations all the way down and just talk to people like they’re human beings and not fleshlights. There are still plenty of people I haven’t run through that I can build normal relationships with and I’ve started to. Just light conversations about blogging or brands. Talking about life or interests. Anime and games. Literally anything except sex. It’s really fucking hard though, and I really can’t say no either. Like I don’t know that if someone came on to me I could deny them. I’m gonna try, I’m gonna try having and setting boundaries with people but I am afraid that if I don’t give people what they want then they’ll leave me and I can’t deal with people leaving me. It’s a problem. Idk, I’ve managed for now, temptation hasn’t been crazy. My terrible reputation might make it easier for me to avoid those kinds of situations entirely, but I know avoiding them and facing them are not the same. Baby steps.
That’s my update for now. I poured out a lot more here than I intended to but I’m really in my feels right now. I’m gonna try and act like things are normal as best I can, focus on building the things I have left like my family, my store, and my blog. Thanks to whoever actually reads these things lmfao.