So I decided to start my blog over from here. I'm honestly so many posts behind, like 15+ and the amount of things that have happened in the span of those pictures is beyond my scope of writing about. It's too much to process and way to much I don't want to revisit if I don't have to. Unfortunately I do have to every day but that doesn't mean I want to write about it. So we'll start again here from scratch with a song that I'm sure some people thought was a funny choice.
Truth be told the Itsy Bitsy Spider is a really good song, it's a nursery rhyme to teach children motor skills, there's a little finger dance you're supposed to do with it mimicking the spiders climb up and down the water spout. Anyways, the whole song is actually teaching you the most valuable lesson ever and that's to never give up, to overcome hardship, to persevere and rise above your struggles. Well I've been struggling, hard. It's not many of you that read this and even less now but I'm sure the ones of you that do already know what's happening or happened. It didn't just rain, down came the category five hurricane and washed me out. I've lost nearly everyone t hat matters, certainly 4 of the closest people in my life including my partner and best friend. I mean I've been drowning, probably the worst week I've had in a very long time and it took me a long time to be able to figure out why. In the end someone had to tell me. It wasn't something I wanted to hear either.
So now, I'm sopping wet, the water spout isn't even in reach but I have to start somewhere, so we start with crawling. Spiders crawl don't they? The sun isn't up yet but I have to move anyways and that's basically where I'm at. I'm on my way back to my water spout waiting for the sun to come up and if that isn't me dragging the metaphor of a nursery rhyme too far than idk what is. For those of you who don't know what's happening it's actually really simple. I'm a piece of shit, I'm a liar and a manipulator and I have abused peoples trust, vulnerability, love, care to get what I want and need and treated every single one of those people as expendable. Even if I didn't believe it myself. I do not love myself and I never thought anyone else would ever love me. I never presented the real me to anyone, I lied for no reason and layered mask after mask of personality traits to the point even I don't recognize myself. I can only feel loved when every single person I know wants me, needs me, or loves me and I say whatever I have to say to make that happen. I only process emotions and affection physically which is why I fuck anything that walks and I really mean anything I have no standards. No offence if I fucked you or not, I mean a lot of you are hot don't get me wrong. Anyways.
The short of it is I want to change, I'm taking steps to that effect. I've started sending letters to people I'm involved with and the people I've hurt. Letting them know these things about me and apologizing for specific things I know I did I did to them and more than that telling them the hard truths, more often than not that means telling people to their faces that they never meant anything to me, that I used them, and that I will not, and cannot return their feelings, and never will. It's so fucking humiliating and uncomfortable to do that. I've sent soooo many already and more and more it puts things into perspective what a fucking monster I am. In a sick way I proved to myself that I really am unloveable lol. I hid behind constructs that I built on purpose, like my profile pick saying I won't ever be anything to people and then still making them feel so special despite that. It made it easy to deflect blame, to say "oh it wasn't me, I was clear, they caught feelings and that's not my fault." hiding behind that. I do it time and again, "I told them I wanted to be open and they made me change" and tbh, that has been true a few times but also, what I've considered to be "open" was just a blatantly disrespectful chase of sex, subs, and victims. I'm not even a dom but I do like to be called daddy. It is what it is.
Anyways, starting over fucking sucks, trying to change fucking sucks. Climbing a water spout, not gonna lie, sounds like it fucking sucks too lol. People think I'm pretending, putting on a show, people are waiting for me to fail, people want me to fail. People hate me and they have every right to. I decided when I started this that I wouldn't pin my recovery on anyone else, I don't expect anyone back and tbh, the people who left fucking hurt me too so. I'm not sure I want them back, or that I can trust them again. I'm in pain and there's no going back to the way things were. The people who stuck behind have my thanks. My son Crash especially, my Karu. He has been by my side through it all and he's now helping me stay accountable. I love him tons and he's been my family for a while now. Unfortunately I never got to do a blog post for him here because our picture together got lost in the mess I made for myself. Anyways that's enough from me, this is already way too long. I'm a spider, it's raining, waiting for the sun to come up. Got a long way to climb. The end.