I feel like when I take the time to blog a singular item is when I can really make art and creativity can flourish. I had this idea the second that Sekai posted this in announcements. It felt right to me. I had even planned to write a scene or a love story to go along with it. I had all these feelings but as it got down to the last day (10 days after release) those feelings went through so many changes I don't even know where they're at anymore.
I don't know what to do, I started writing the description of this that I had no inspiration and that quickly descended into an artful rant about my devastated feelings. It goes along well with the image I hope but I just feel so pathetic and unwanted all over again. I started talking to my ex and it kinda looked like things could be worked out then some crazy ho started drama and derailed it. It was like that one thing opened the flood gates for all the pent up disdain she had for me, now she won't give me the time of day. I feel like the least important person in her life and I want to be the most important. She spend time with everyone but me, it's like she's avoiding me entirely. If I show up and she's alone she teleports away, if she's not alone she barely pays me any attention. She has all these plans with everyone else and no plans with me. I've decided that this is it I guess, I'm done. Nobody reads my blog diary least of all her so I feel free to say what I feel. I can feel the sinking pain in my chest, it weighs me down and tanks my moods, the hurt just builds like a huge lump and holds me down. I'm done trying, I'm done being the desperate one, the one who cares, the one who wants this. I'm not gonna message her, not going to hang out at home, not going to be at her beck and call, not going to do her favors. I'll just quietly fade away from her life like I originally planned, stay offline, stay away. I deserve someone who actually wants me and as much as I keep telling myself that I keep chasing someone who couldn't care less. Lol she literally told me that she couldn't care less about me, about a thrice failed relationship being so far down on her list. Good, I'm glad you don't care, I knew you didn't. I just wanted to pretend like you did, I wanted to live in this fantasy where you string me along for months and attempt to rebuild our foundation. How? When? You barely speak to me and you don't want to see me. What a fucking idiot I am. I'm so fucking stupid why do I keep doing this!? Someone fucking tell me because I don't fucking know. I just want to scream obscenities and cry at the same time and instead I'm petrified with this gaping fucking hole in my chest. I hate it. Her feelings come first though, so I'll leave my rant here. I don't want anyone else but her, so I'm going to stay invisible, appear offline, hide and do my pictures. Open my shop, make some tattoos. I would say anything to keep her off my mind but everything in SL reminds me of her. So idk, I'll just patiently wait for her to magically decide I'm a priority or worth fighting for or for her to move on to someone else. I'm content to be alone. I'm miserable without her but I already learned that seeking comfort in others just leads to more hurt on both sides.
Fuck me for writing this, I have to post this one on facebook so people might actually see it.