So this is it. This is the picture that kind of fucked up my Second Life. For those of you who don't know my history because nobody actually reads these and I don't know how much I said about it or what I said about it in past posts. This is my inspiration, I refer to her as such several times. The reason I started blogging and the drive to always improve in an endless quest to impress her really. To be as good as her, better even. To be the best and be the object of her desires. Anyways. We dated, I managed to do it somehow but it wasn't great. It wasn't at all what I wanted or expected. It was a rollercoaster of emotions, lack of communication on both sides and bottled up anger, resentment, and insecurity. My jealousy was suffocating and her indifference was crippling. In the end we broke it off.
One of the biggest things in our relationship though was flickr and pictures. My face appears in her flickr exactly zero times while hers appears in mine probably over 10. She doesn't realize how much she's changed since we started, changed for the worse. She used to call me Daddy, she used to want me, she used to crave me. When we were together either time though it was like I was a burden, the least desirable person around. I was a drag on her, an anchor she had to tow around. She hated doing pictures with me, she didn't want anyone to know we were together, she didn't like anything lewd or possessive. It was crazy to me because before we ever were together we did lewd and possessive pictures, 90% of my lewd photos are with her. Somehow though when we were a couple that was like not ok. She hated doing pics with me, she would do them with others. After we broke up she did some really lewd pics with others that idk, vanished. I have yet to see them posted but I know they exist, it eats at me constantly, how many other pics exist out there that I know nothing about?
I'm so deeply and obsessively in love, attached, dependent, whatever you want to call it. I thought I could get away, move on, move past. I couldn't, I hated seeing her with others, I was in pain constantly, the people I roped into my emotional mess became a list of victims now that will probably never talk to me. Taking this picture with her she let me do anything I wanted, "it's your picture" she said over and over. Full on porn? Possessive signs, cum, I even HAND DREW that brand above her pussy and she wore it. She would never have done that while we were together. None of this. It hurt, I wasn't at all happy about this picture, all I felt was pain. It made me realize how much everything still hurt, how fresh it all is. By the time we were done, we had an honest talk, and I realized she had moved on from me and I was nothing. I left feeling like less than nothing, I was the problem, I was unwanted exactly like I always suspected. It was painful and murder and I couldn't do it anymore. I snapped. I deleted every friend, I removed every detail from my profile, hid all my groups. You would think my account is a bot, an alt, or brand new from the looks of it. I can't do it anymore.
This is my goodbye letter really, I've lost motivation, desire, all I feel when I log in is misery. I don't want that anymore. I don't want to talk to people, I don't want to find new relationships. I just want to be alone. I want to take my blog pictures and be left alone. There's nothing here for me anymore. All I want is her but I can't go back to her, not the way it was. Not again. Twice we tried it and both times it was the same, it was better the second time but only for a little while. I... I just can't. I am in pain. This picture and this song are just a front. She's not mine, she won't ever be mine. I know who she fucking wants and I knew she fucking wanted them. As soon as she broke up with me she was suddenly open to basically fucking anything that I wanted with her, but with anybody else. So that was it, I can't deal with any of that. I'm done. I'm sorry. I've said goodbye to people I bonded with but I cannot do this. All none of you that read this now you know. Varadun is dead.